Tuesday
Nov062012

The Worst Horror Movie Of All Time: NIGHT OF HORROR (1981) Review

Hell, thy name is...

NIGHT OF HORROR (1981) Review

Four friends go out to the woods on vacation and encounter Confederate ghosts, who need them to properly bury the body of their friend so they can all rest in peace. Hoo-boy, get out the air freshener. 

Of course, leave it to the worst horror movie ever made to have the most generic title ever made (maybe even more generic than Blood Massacre). I usually don't use a definitive term like "worst" or "weirdest," because I know another movie is going to eventually come along and trump that title. However, I am POSITIVE there is no movie in existence worse than this one. This movie sucks. This movie blows. I would rather shoot myself in the foot than watch this again. EVER. I find it very hard to grasp just how incompetently made this movie is on all levels, and how it manages to suck every ounce of joy you may have in your body. What’s wrong with it? Let me count the ways:

1. The acting is terrible. None of these people could act their way out of an invisible box a mime is trapped in. Everyone is most likely reading the boring dialogue they have straight off the script. I can’t even go into specifics here, because everything is terrible. It sounds like they woke all the actors up at two in the morning to shoot these scenes, and I’m surprised none of them yawned while they were…ahem…”performing.”

2. The plot is TERRIBLE. I do love me some horror featuring undead or ghostly Confederates (Two Thousand Maniacs is phenomenal), but here’s what we get: a plot that sounds like it was conceived by R.L. Stine for a kindergarten picture book. I’m going to spoil this movie, but there’s really nothing to spoil because NOTHING HAPPENS. The “teens” (or whatever they’re supposed to be) arrive at the woods, one of them begins to see the Confederate ghosts, the others see the Confederate ghosts, the ghosts tell them to bury their friend, the group buries their friend, and they drive off. Fin. The end. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Why was this even made in the first place? What sort of vision did the director have that made him go out and make this? With the lower-than-a-home-movie budget, it obviously was never going to be a hit, so for this dude’s lasting impact on cinema, he chose to make THIS? My mind is on overload trying to figure out how this even exists!

 

3. It’s…BORING. I enjoyed 1981’s Scream, which is supposed to be the most boring slasher ever. I enjoyed Berserker, which is basically teens walking through the woods for most of its runtime. I REALLY enjoyed Island of Blood, which is also supposed to be a huge bore. But you know what? None of those movies had a six-minute long scene of a van driving. Nothing else; just…a van…driving. None of those movies had a girl recite one of Edgar Allan Poe’s most boring poems in a monotone voice for three minutes. None of those movies had a ten-minute long Civil War battle scene that consisted of two sides firing cannons at each other and shooting with nothing else happening, all set to folk music. None of those movies had ghosts that talked as slow as possible and enunciated every word, and you still couldn’t understand them because of how raspy they are. None of those movies had a five-minute long scene in someone’s basement (made to look like a bar) where both actors talked (or, rather, mumbled) facing away from the camera. Then again, none of those movies are Night of Horror.

I’ve never seen a movie just do everything wrong. Usually, movies have some sort of redeeming characteristic, like good camerawork, a good score, good gore, or even if the filmmakers’ hearts are in the right place! Night of Horror does none of these things. It’s a strenuous exercise in sheer boredom with no good qualities whatsoever. No clever dialogue or writing, no gore, no deaths, no suspense (nor any attempts at building any), brief instances of atmosphere, monotone acting, and bad camerawork (through a good chunk of the film, a piece of black tape is stuck on the bottom part of the lens. Professional). It underachieves at everything, most of all entertainment. This somehow got a release on VHS with cool artwork, but don’t fall for it. That zombie on the front never makes an appearance. In it’s place are people in Confederate uniforms in shadows. Whoop-de-doo. Some wicked soul has posted this movie on YouTube, and if you really want to go for it, be my guest. Just remember the next time you’re at the water cooler and you’re about to mention how Nail Gun Massacre is the worst movie of all time, remember Night of Horror. And shut your mouth, because Nail Gun Massacre is amazing.

The Verdict: Night of Horror, you’ve certainly made your mark on cinema: a big racing stripe right on the underwear of film. Please don’t watch it.

Score: 1/10

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